Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Things I Wish I Didn't Have to Say


(This is how seriously I am taken around here.)

Things I Should Not Have to Say

  1. Please stop blowing your nose on the bulletin. (Said to my 8-yr. old during the evening worship service. His defense? "I didn't want to get up to get a tissue. That would be a distraction." And all the crinkling while you snot all over the preacher your father's outline is not?)
  2. Do not stick rabbit food up your nose. (Said to the 2-yr. old after he had been sneezing for two days. We thought he had a cold. He kept saying, "Bunny rabbit hurt my nose." An especially explosive sneeze proved he was [sort of] right.)
  3. Do not spray Febreze air freshener in your eyes. (Said to the same 2-yr. old who had to be taken to the Walmart bathroom to have his very red and very swollen face thoroughly rinsed and scrubbed.)
  4. Do not squirt alcohol swimmer's ear drops up your baby sister's nose. (Said to a 5-yr. old after we had to call Poison Control and make an emergency run to Walmart for some saline to re-irrigate baby's nostrils.)
  5. I don't have time to cut your toenails. Put some socks on. (The 8-yr. old. And, come to think of it, one of the 5-yr. olds.)
  6. When I say, "Tighten your seatbelt," I do not mean for you to tighten it so much that you are crying because you can't breathe. (The 6-yr. old.)
  7. Do not lick the dog. (ALL of them. Seriously.)
  8. Do not lick the shopping cart.
  9. Do not lick the van.
  10. Really? You're still licking????

"How long will you say these things, and the words of your mouth be a great wind?"
(Job 8:2, Bildad to Job, taken greatly out of context yet somehow fitting...)

Anyone else?


  1. Just because you are licking that food item does not mean I will let you eat it.

    I say this all the time. Honestly folks - a lick does not imply the immediate right to consume said food item.

  2. Oh, I know! Somehow, the "You have to take the one you touch" rule quickly translates into, "So touch the biggest, juiciest one so that you HAVE TO eat it." Like Mom is going to go for that.


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